Jack Tuner addresses his ball "in the rough," as Bob Hughett directs the cameraman's attention to Jack.

When experienced, seasoned, skilled players, as these two undoubtedly are, play golf; this is as "rough" as it gets. ...And that's why you should practice more, Alan.

Jack will play out of this precarious lie using his famous one-armed swing. Jack is smiling because he fully intends to catch Bob Hughett just behind the right ear on the back swing ... after which he will proudly announce, "Fore!"

These two avid, worldly golfers offer some other tips for you amateurs living in the Illinois Valley area:

• For driving, Jack uses a "RAIDERS" illegal golf ball designed solely and specifically for distance. It is 0.03 inches smaller and 1.2 grams heavier than standard golf balls. He gets great distance for a rather puny swing.
• Bob, on the other hand, prefers used and reconditioned balls. His favorites are the Grade 2 - a little too much ink, some discoloration, minor scratches - from CheapBalls at: http://www.cheapgolfballs.com/
• Jack's spikeless, tan loafers were handmade by Salvatore Ferragamo of Italy by a mafioso with only three fingers on his right hand.
• Bob's spikeless, black shoes were handmade by prisoners at the Nebraska State Penitentiary of Lincoln, Nebraska.
• Jack's shirt is a Ralph Lauren, camouflaged pattern - so his acquaintances cannot see him in the rough.
• Bob's shirt is a Munsingwear Golf Polo shirt, designed by Kathy Gifford and made in Indonesia by forced child labor.
• Keep your own score honestly. Put down the score that is ... not the score that it should have been. 82% of 401 high-ranking corporate executives admit to being less than honest on the golf course.
• And if you happen to be golfing at Deer Park, don't let Don Haas drive the golf cart ... he'll never finish that boat!